There's a girl, who has been an absolutely brilliant friend friend to me in the past year that we have become close. And i went and did the one thing i promised myself i wouldn't do again. I chose a guy over her. Now, this guy isn't just any guy to me, he means a lot, a lot more than anyone knows about, apart from maybe him. Yes, i admit it, i kinda took him off her, and that's something that i think about daily with regret. I'm not saying i have any regret for being with the guy, i can't explain how much he means to me, but i do regret the way that i went about what i did. It was horrible of me, and i don't know how she forgave me. She's the one friend who i know i can count on, no matter what. if i rang her up, bawling my eyes out, she'd run round my house and just hug me and make me laugh, and do anything to make me as happy as i can be. And i'm always going to be in a debt to repay all that she's done for me back to her. I love this girl so much, and i can never ever forgive myself for what i did to her. I hope that she honestly in her heart forgives me, and if she doesn't i want her to speak out to me, and tell me, so that i can try and make it better. And if she needs me i want her to be able to tell me, so that i can try and help her. I love you so much Phoebe, and i honestly hope that you get a break some time soon, because you honestly deserve it <3
My second Mess Up is letting other people rule my life. This is an apology to myself in some ways. Because of what is happening in my life, the doctors have diagnosed me with depression. I don't care if people know, and I know a lot of people are going to say "Why post that on your blog?" or "That's really attention seeking to post that news on your blog" but it's my blog, and it's about me, and i don't care if people know. I'm not trying to gain sympathy by putting this on my blog, i'm trying to gain understanding. I've let what other people have done to me rule my life, and this is the outcome. It's a struggle, and some days i find it hard to get up in the morning because of what i have. But it's a good thing that i have it, no, that i KNOW i have it, because now i can fix it, i can get the help i really need and i can sort it out, and make it go away.
I have a friend, who is the nicest and most genuine guy on Earth! And he lets people walk all over him. The amount of CRAP he puts up with, with a smile on his face is unbelievable. I'm sorry to him that i don't help him enough, that i don't make things better for him. I don't go up to the people who are SUPPOSED to be his friends and say "back off! What has he ever done to you?" because he hasn't ever done anything to any of them. It makes me so cross. They are bullying him, whether or not he knows it, they are! And if there's one thing i hate, it's bullies. So, my amazing gay best friend, i'm sorry that i don't help you fight back, but i will do! i promise!
I'm sorry about a lot of things, but these are my main 3. The thought of all of my appologies gives me a headache, the list honestly goes on.
Until next time...
xx
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