The Joys Of Love...

Recently life's been stressful for me, I have a lot going on at home, school's not brilliant, and generally, life's hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who think that I am the only person in the world who has problems and everyone should listen to mine, I detest people like that. I know my problems are certainly not the worst out there, but they are hard for a 15 year old girl, who's loosing the one person who's her rock, who has been diagnosed with a difficult illness, and who is failing school.

I can't begin to thank all the people that are going out of their way to help me through everything, even if they are going through stuff themselves. They know who they are. But this blog is set out for one person in particular. We've been talking since the 19th of October 2011 exactly, and every single day has been a gift with him. He makes me feel like I'm some kind of angel, even though i know I'm now, he's the most genuine guy I have met in my entire life, and I cannot even begin to explain my feelings for him. 

He always offers his shoulder to cry on, he's got brilliant advice which is never wrong, he is my saviour. Without him at the moment I would honestly be a mess, I feel so comfortable with him, it's like he was meant to be in my life, I feel a connection to him that I have never felt with anyone before. I love him, and I am not scared to admit that. I don't think he knows just how much I actually do love him. He's always telling me how much he does love me, but he's good with words, so he would know what to say, and I never do, so this is my way of explaining just how much I do love him.

I miss him when I'm not with him, even when he's walked me home, as soon as I'm through the door I miss him. I can't concentrate on anything without thinking of him, and then I go into these day dreams and doing anything seems pointless without him doing it by my side. I get insanely jealous of every single girl that talks to him, i mean, insane! I think it's healthy to jealous in a relationship, it shows just how much you care. I don't want to be without him, if anything were to happen I would just break down, he's my rock, and I can't be without him.
He's a gentleman, he has to do everything properly. He refuses to let me walk him home, because then he doesn't know if I'm safe. He thinks he has to pay for me if we go on a date. He always does little things, like opens doors for me, and pulls my chair out for me, and makes sure if we're walking down a muddy path that's slippy together I go first so if I slip he can catch me. Little things like this don't go amiss with me, and i love them all!
Everything's easy with him, if he's angry at me (which isn't often) he'll talk to me about it, rather than just plain shouting at me. He's the most genuine guy, what you see is what you get, and I love everything I see! Being with him is the simplest thing on Earth, I can't explain it!
I want him to know, that I know he has a big decision to make at the moment, but I'm here every single step of the way, supporting him and loving him, and he knows my thoughts on the matter!
I'm glad I can share everything with you, every secret I'm comfortable telling you, it doesn't feel like a strain at all, and I know this feeling is returned, you feel like you can tell me anything, I adore the bond we have.

So yes, we haven't been together long, but I feel a connection to you, and I feel so close to you, and I love you. Simple.

Jaye Oliver O'Farrell Stevens, you are, and always will be my first love, nothing and nobody in the world can change that, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Mess Up's...

I've been thinking lately, of all the things i have done that haven't been nice of me and have probably hurt other people. So, like my thank you list, this is my sorry list, because i am truely sorry for everything i put on here...

There's a girl, who has been an absolutely brilliant friend friend to me in the past year that we have become close. And i went and did the one thing i promised myself i wouldn't do again. I chose a guy over her. Now, this guy isn't just any guy to me, he means a lot, a lot more than anyone knows about, apart from maybe him. Yes, i admit it, i kinda took him off her, and that's something that i think about daily with regret. I'm not saying i have any regret for being with the guy, i can't explain how much he means to me, but i do regret the way that i went about what i did. It was horrible of me, and i don't know how she forgave me. She's the one friend who i know i can count on, no matter what. if i rang her up, bawling my eyes out, she'd run round my house and just hug me and make me laugh, and do anything to make me as happy as i can be. And i'm always going to be in a debt to repay all that she's done for me back to her. I love this girl so much, and i can never ever forgive myself for what i did to her. I hope that she honestly in her heart forgives me, and if she doesn't i want her to speak out to me, and tell me, so that i can try and make it better. And if she needs me i want her to be able to tell me, so that i can try and help her. I love you so much Phoebe, and i honestly hope that you get a break some time soon, because you honestly deserve it <3

My second Mess Up is letting other people rule my life. This is an apology to myself in some ways. Because of what is happening in my life, the doctors have diagnosed me with depression. I don't care if people know, and I know a lot of people are going to say "Why post that on your blog?" or "That's really attention seeking to post that news on your blog" but it's my blog, and it's about me, and i don't care if people know. I'm not trying to gain sympathy by putting this on my blog, i'm trying to gain understanding. I've let what other people have done to me rule my life, and this is the outcome. It's a struggle, and some days i find it hard to get up in the morning because of what i have. But it's a good thing that i have it, no, that i KNOW i have it, because now i can fix it, i can get the help i really need and i can sort it out, and make it go away.

I have a friend, who is the nicest and most genuine guy on Earth! And he lets people walk all over him. The amount of CRAP he puts up with, with a smile on his face is unbelievable. I'm sorry to him that i don't help him enough, that i don't make things better for him. I don't go up to the people who are SUPPOSED to be his friends and say "back off! What has he ever done to you?" because he hasn't ever done anything to any of them. It makes me so cross. They are bullying him, whether or not he knows it, they are! And if there's one thing i hate, it's bullies. So, my amazing gay best friend, i'm sorry that i don't help you fight back, but i will do! i promise!

I'm sorry about a lot of things, but these are my main 3. The thought of all of my appologies gives me a headache, the list honestly goes on.

Until next time...

xx

Support..

Last night i found out some bad news. It's not a definite yes yet, but i find out soon if it is, after some tests have been done and questionnaires filled out. I'm not going to post it on blogger for the whole world to see before it's even definite yet, but i am writing this blog for a reason. Since i found out my news, i have told a few close people. I want to thank them for the support that they have given me, even though my news is not definite yet. Everyone i told had different advice, and I'm thank full to all of them we're there to look after me. Thank you.

Happy Birthday To Me..

15 years ago, in Horton General Hospital, in Banbury (i think?) a small, fat chubby baby was born, with curly brown hair, big green eyes, and a rounded belly. She screamed, a lot, what baby doesn't? It was at 1:15 when the baby's first cry was heard. That baby? Yeah, it was me!

It was snowing, thick white clouds of the stuff, and my older brother made me a snowman. Many family members came to see me.

Life was simple as a baby, what the hell happened?