Death Takes Us All, But Why So Soon?

I've had a bad day today, unfortunately my Cat died. Her name was Molly and we've had her since she was a tiny kitten. She got hit by a car. This blog isn't going to be me crying over her, it's gonna be me remembering her how she should be remembered <3
I remember when we went and got her. Me and my brother Luke were wriggling in the back seat of the car, it was a surprise where we were going and we loved surprises. We turn into a road and here we are, outside this random house. The big grins disappear. We beg to know where we are, and eventually Dad cracks. "We're coming to buy you a cat!" I screamed, come on I was a 9 year old girl! Me and Luke practically flew to the house and banged on the door as hard as our fists could cope. A gentle old lady answered, confusion on her face. She looked behind us, saw our parents and smiled, realising who we were. She took us round into her garden, which was filled with two huts.
Molly was the first cat we saw and we fell in love with her instantly, she was the cat we wanted to take home. The lady was set on us seeing the other cats so we did, but we went running back to Molly. She was joyful and happy and we wanted her! She was what we got.
In the car home she was in her cat box next to us, and I was so tempted to open it up and just stroke and hold her, but Dad said No and Mum said No, so I held in the temptation the whole way home. We got home, and both me and Luke carried her cat box, none of us wanting the other to have first claims. When we got in we were shouting wanting her to come out and she got scared, so Mum told us to go sit nicely in the living room whilst we let Molly get used to her new home.
We were quivering in excitement, but she looked so lost and scared so we let her be. As she got more and more used to the house, she came and sat on our laps more often and for longer series of time. We loved her so much, we didn't want to leave her alone.
She was hyper-active. She used to sprint up the stairs after you, attacking your feet, and gently biting you. When she fell asleep, or somebody stroked her, or anything she enjoyed, she purred non stop and unbelievably loudly, it was like a fog horn! She was constantly rubbing up against my leg, begging for me to stroke just behind her ears where she loved it. She was content and happy.
When my  parents split up we decided to leave her at the house she was used to, so at first she stayed with my Dad until he moved out, then Mum moved in and she stayed there. When Mum got her new kitten, Molly and Boots didn't get on, so she moved into my Dad's house. We all love her. We all put up with her constantly meowing for a stroke, constantly farting in our faces, constantly trying to steal our food.

We miss her already, but we have to remember the good times that we all had with her. It was strange, she always knew when I was sad, and she'd always come running up to me and sit on me and try and comfort me.

RIP Molly, we love you. <3

This Is What Happiness Means To Me...

I've been thinking a lot lately, about many things. One thing that keeps on popping up is happiness. I myself am very happy at the minute, and I can't help thanking my lucky stars for everything I have. But I know there are a lot of people who may not be quite so happy. Everybody has their reasons, no person's reasons are any less important than another, whether it be that somebody has had an argument with another person, which some people may think as not that important, or whether it be that somebodies Dad has walked out on them the same day that their Grandma and Dog both died, and they were then in a car accident. This is all made up of course, but many people think "Oh person number 2 is sadder than person number 1" How do you know that? Different people take things different ways, some people may shrug off things that other people will cry their eyes out about. What I'm trying to get at, is that nobody can ever define how happy or sad someone truly is.

The way I see things, nobody else can control how happy you are. They may influence your happiness, but they don't necessarily control how happy you are every single day of every single week. You can only control your own happiness. People don't see just how beautiful the world is. Little things are beautiful. I find it sad that people don't open their eyes and look around them and see how amazing life is, how lucky we are to have everything we do have. I was like this, not that long ago, but like I said, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I know plenty of people who are not the happiest they have every been, and I want to help them, but it's their lives, their body's, their emotions, and there is nothing I myself can do to control them. I can give them advice, I can do my best to make them smile, but I cannot control how they are really feeling inside.

One thing I don't understand, is that when people aren't happy, they still sit their and do nothing to change it. If someones unhappy in their job, they sit there and do nothing. If someones unhappy in their relationship, they sit there and do nothing. If someones unhappy about how their lives have actually turned out in the end, they sit there and do nothing! I think it's stupid! If you are not happy with something, anything in life, then CHANGE IT! Nobody else can do it for you, it's your life, your decisions. But don't be an idiot, and sit there and be unhappy, life's too short in the end!

If you are feeling down, that's okay, that's normal, but you have to remember to get back up again. So many people sit there and wallow in their own sadness, and yes I admit, I do it too, I'm the worst one for it! But I think about all the beautiful things I have in my life, and I think about whether it really is the end of the world, or whether I'm being silly, and over exagerating again! I then pick myself up, dust my self off, and get on with it. If it's someone else that is making you feel down then SCREW THEM, they are not worth you, they are not worth your happiness, and you should get them out of your lives permanently!

What I'm trying to get at here, is that you should take every chance you can get to smile, because happiness is key after all. A favourite quote of mine is "Don't frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile" and I totally agree with it! If your sat there day after day, moping, crying, whinging, frowning, then who on earth is going to fall in love with someone like that?! Let people make you smile, let them influence your happiness, don't block people out, and not let people help you!

Until next time...

"People should smile more" - Newton Faulkner

The Joys Of Love...

Recently life's been stressful for me, I have a lot going on at home, school's not brilliant, and generally, life's hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who think that I am the only person in the world who has problems and everyone should listen to mine, I detest people like that. I know my problems are certainly not the worst out there, but they are hard for a 15 year old girl, who's loosing the one person who's her rock, who has been diagnosed with a difficult illness, and who is failing school.

I can't begin to thank all the people that are going out of their way to help me through everything, even if they are going through stuff themselves. They know who they are. But this blog is set out for one person in particular. We've been talking since the 19th of October 2011 exactly, and every single day has been a gift with him. He makes me feel like I'm some kind of angel, even though i know I'm now, he's the most genuine guy I have met in my entire life, and I cannot even begin to explain my feelings for him. 

He always offers his shoulder to cry on, he's got brilliant advice which is never wrong, he is my saviour. Without him at the moment I would honestly be a mess, I feel so comfortable with him, it's like he was meant to be in my life, I feel a connection to him that I have never felt with anyone before. I love him, and I am not scared to admit that. I don't think he knows just how much I actually do love him. He's always telling me how much he does love me, but he's good with words, so he would know what to say, and I never do, so this is my way of explaining just how much I do love him.

I miss him when I'm not with him, even when he's walked me home, as soon as I'm through the door I miss him. I can't concentrate on anything without thinking of him, and then I go into these day dreams and doing anything seems pointless without him doing it by my side. I get insanely jealous of every single girl that talks to him, i mean, insane! I think it's healthy to jealous in a relationship, it shows just how much you care. I don't want to be without him, if anything were to happen I would just break down, he's my rock, and I can't be without him.
He's a gentleman, he has to do everything properly. He refuses to let me walk him home, because then he doesn't know if I'm safe. He thinks he has to pay for me if we go on a date. He always does little things, like opens doors for me, and pulls my chair out for me, and makes sure if we're walking down a muddy path that's slippy together I go first so if I slip he can catch me. Little things like this don't go amiss with me, and i love them all!
Everything's easy with him, if he's angry at me (which isn't often) he'll talk to me about it, rather than just plain shouting at me. He's the most genuine guy, what you see is what you get, and I love everything I see! Being with him is the simplest thing on Earth, I can't explain it!
I want him to know, that I know he has a big decision to make at the moment, but I'm here every single step of the way, supporting him and loving him, and he knows my thoughts on the matter!
I'm glad I can share everything with you, every secret I'm comfortable telling you, it doesn't feel like a strain at all, and I know this feeling is returned, you feel like you can tell me anything, I adore the bond we have.

So yes, we haven't been together long, but I feel a connection to you, and I feel so close to you, and I love you. Simple.

Jaye Oliver O'Farrell Stevens, you are, and always will be my first love, nothing and nobody in the world can change that, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Mess Up's...

I've been thinking lately, of all the things i have done that haven't been nice of me and have probably hurt other people. So, like my thank you list, this is my sorry list, because i am truely sorry for everything i put on here...

There's a girl, who has been an absolutely brilliant friend friend to me in the past year that we have become close. And i went and did the one thing i promised myself i wouldn't do again. I chose a guy over her. Now, this guy isn't just any guy to me, he means a lot, a lot more than anyone knows about, apart from maybe him. Yes, i admit it, i kinda took him off her, and that's something that i think about daily with regret. I'm not saying i have any regret for being with the guy, i can't explain how much he means to me, but i do regret the way that i went about what i did. It was horrible of me, and i don't know how she forgave me. She's the one friend who i know i can count on, no matter what. if i rang her up, bawling my eyes out, she'd run round my house and just hug me and make me laugh, and do anything to make me as happy as i can be. And i'm always going to be in a debt to repay all that she's done for me back to her. I love this girl so much, and i can never ever forgive myself for what i did to her. I hope that she honestly in her heart forgives me, and if she doesn't i want her to speak out to me, and tell me, so that i can try and make it better. And if she needs me i want her to be able to tell me, so that i can try and help her. I love you so much Phoebe, and i honestly hope that you get a break some time soon, because you honestly deserve it <3

My second Mess Up is letting other people rule my life. This is an apology to myself in some ways. Because of what is happening in my life, the doctors have diagnosed me with depression. I don't care if people know, and I know a lot of people are going to say "Why post that on your blog?" or "That's really attention seeking to post that news on your blog" but it's my blog, and it's about me, and i don't care if people know. I'm not trying to gain sympathy by putting this on my blog, i'm trying to gain understanding. I've let what other people have done to me rule my life, and this is the outcome. It's a struggle, and some days i find it hard to get up in the morning because of what i have. But it's a good thing that i have it, no, that i KNOW i have it, because now i can fix it, i can get the help i really need and i can sort it out, and make it go away.

I have a friend, who is the nicest and most genuine guy on Earth! And he lets people walk all over him. The amount of CRAP he puts up with, with a smile on his face is unbelievable. I'm sorry to him that i don't help him enough, that i don't make things better for him. I don't go up to the people who are SUPPOSED to be his friends and say "back off! What has he ever done to you?" because he hasn't ever done anything to any of them. It makes me so cross. They are bullying him, whether or not he knows it, they are! And if there's one thing i hate, it's bullies. So, my amazing gay best friend, i'm sorry that i don't help you fight back, but i will do! i promise!

I'm sorry about a lot of things, but these are my main 3. The thought of all of my appologies gives me a headache, the list honestly goes on.

Until next time...

xx

Support..

Last night i found out some bad news. It's not a definite yes yet, but i find out soon if it is, after some tests have been done and questionnaires filled out. I'm not going to post it on blogger for the whole world to see before it's even definite yet, but i am writing this blog for a reason. Since i found out my news, i have told a few close people. I want to thank them for the support that they have given me, even though my news is not definite yet. Everyone i told had different advice, and I'm thank full to all of them we're there to look after me. Thank you.

Happy Birthday To Me..

15 years ago, in Horton General Hospital, in Banbury (i think?) a small, fat chubby baby was born, with curly brown hair, big green eyes, and a rounded belly. She screamed, a lot, what baby doesn't? It was at 1:15 when the baby's first cry was heard. That baby? Yeah, it was me!

It was snowing, thick white clouds of the stuff, and my older brother made me a snowman. Many family members came to see me.

Life was simple as a baby, what the hell happened?